Especially for parents of young men

Young men need the same support and understanding as young women. However, they may not know how to ask for it. It’s important that you check in with your son about what he is thinking and feeling. Do not abandon him—or give him a free pass—with this pregnancy. There is potential in this situation to help him grow as a person, to become more responsible, and to help him make good choices in the future.

“I’m too angry/hurt/shocked to be supportive of my son right now.”
As his parent(s), your response will have a huge impact on him. If you are feeling extremely angry and don’t feel like you can be supportive, take a break from the situation rather than say something you will regret later. As difficult as it may be for you, you must work through this reaction so that you can communicate openly and honestly with him. He may begin to tell lies or become deceptive if he doesn’t feel that it is safe to tell the truth. This is likely to be extremely harmful to everybody involved and a bad model for dealing with difficult situations. If you don’t feel that you are capable of being supportive, enlist the help of a neutral counselor who can help you and your son sort through things.

“I never trusted this girl.” “I think she manipulated him into this situation.”
Have compassion for her. Think about how you would like her treated if she were your daughter. She is in a difficult spot right now and most likely feels scared, confused, hurt, and many other emotions, even if she doesn’t show it. She, too, needs support and understanding regardless of how you may feel about her or the pregnancy. Do not direct your anger at her or paint him as a victim. You should encourage your son to take responsibility for his actions, now and in the future. Also, do not force your son to choose between his girlfriend and his parents. 

“I’m concerned she’ll make a decision that isn’t right for my son.”
The best way to prevent this from happening is for your son to be involved in the decision-making process. He should ask himself the same questions she is: Am I ready to be a parent? How do I feel about abortion? About adoption? What are my future goals and how will this decision affect those? She deserves to be told, in a kind and caring way, how he feels about the pregnancy and how he thinks it will impact his future. If he abandons her or harasses her she will likely shut down and stop talking to him and/or you. If she has told her parents, you may want to reach out to them on a one to one basis.

Also, it’s important to acknowledge your own personal experiences. You may have experienced an unplanned pregnancy yourself and have strong feelings about it. It’s valuable to talk with your son and her about this, but remember, that though you are certainly impacted by this pregnancy and her decision, it is mainly about them and their future.

“I am done raising kids!” “She’s pregnant with my grandchild.”
Although this pregnancy has the greatest impact on your son, it will also affect you. You may feel that the responsibility for raising a child will fall on you since your son is so young. Or, you may like the idea of a baby—a grandchild you can fuss over. It is totally appropriate to set limits on what you can and cannot offer them and a child. Speak honestly about what you want for your own life and the struggles you have had. You probably have some mixed feelings about the idea of bringing a new life into the world and it’s OK to talk about all of the things it brings up. Ultimately, it is a decision about his life, not yours, but he deserves to know how you see the impact on your life. Tell him in ways that he can hear—not yelling, accusatory, or blaming, but from your heart.